im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
