using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
