____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
