just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Randomize
