I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
