there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
