I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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