And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
