I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need to calm my uterus...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
