I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
