I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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