i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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