I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
