I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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