I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
