I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
