grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
