She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
