She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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