Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
