I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
