oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
