I want you more than these girls want KFC
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
