i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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