I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
