Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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