Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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