omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
