So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
