Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
two words: eviction party
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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