Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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