Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
