I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
