After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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