Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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