So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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