Yo dont text me then not text me
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
