sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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