Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
