i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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