Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
