one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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