I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
