I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
