apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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