he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
