man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
