Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
