So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Randomize
