Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize