i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
