living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sext me about skeletons
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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