just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
